I’ve never really had much luck in the relationship department. Well at least in my adult life. As a teenager loving and being loved was easy and carefree. I met my daughters dad in the 9th grade and we had our daughter and stayed together for about 6 years. Of course we had a couple break ups where we’d see other people and yeah we fought, but it was never hard to stay in love. Even til this day we’re good friends, I just love him in a different way than when we were together.

Anyways, back to my bad luck lol. I’ve dated a guy who lied about being married, I’ve dated an older guy who I simply lost interest in because it was material based, I’ve tried the nerd guy (my ex fiance) but I broke up with him because he was getting possessive..next move was to date the normal guy, he ended up getting me pregnant and leaving me. And my most recent adventure was to just date myself. Now I’ve done this before, I’ve taken a 9 month celibacy period to get to know myself better. But this time it wasn’t my choice, it was because 1) I was pregnant and heartbroken and 2) I was shutting down from being hurt so much.

So after being single my whole pregnancy plus two months, I found myself back in contact with a guy I briefly talked to a couple years prior. I’ll call him Arthur for privacy reasons. Everything with Arthur started off pretty good but a part of me just couldn’t be receptive to him. I liked him but I feel like I forgot how to be open and show certain feelings and emotions. It’s like the only compassion I had left was for my kids. We talked for like 3 weeks before we hung out and I made it clear that I wasn’t ready to move forward because of previous heartbreak. But during that 3 weeks I had cried at least 3 separate times because there would be something he would say that just hit home, as if god was was telling me to just let go and take a chance…I guess I should’ve took note that he’d be the one to crack me open.

So lets fast forward, it’s been about a month or so since we started talking. Obviously sex has come up by now, in the back of my mind I knew that my original plan was to wait at least three months or more. Not because I believe in time rules but because I still wasn’t over what happened with my sons dad, I just didn’t trust that it was ok to give someone my body at the time. But realistically speaking I hadn’t had sex in 11 months and my body wanted what it wanted. Gosh…I was so nervous, but it actually turned out great.

It seems like since then things have been really up and down. He would always bring up me only having him, or he’d get mad because I wasn’t open or affectionate enough..which was true, I had a lot of alone time to build walls. I didn’t want to cuddle at first or talk on the phone. But as far as other guys go, I stopped talking to other guys before we had even had sex because I felt the most attraction toward him.

Arthur made me realize that even though I was hurting, I still need to have compassion for others especially if I invite them into my life. He was really patient with that distant part of me and I’m really grateful for that.

But it seems like when I did start to open up more, we also fought a lot more..it seems like he had assumed I was a “good girl” and the more he knew, the more he accused me of lying and cheating. Obviously this was a combination of his own trust issues that he’d brought up before mixed with his theory that since I stripped for 3 months (over 1.5 years before) and wore lingerie when we had sex, that I was no longer this “good girl” that he had perceived me to be. The thing is, I never claimed perfection, and despite my heartache and my reluctance to show him the compassion he needed, I never lied to him and I was always willing to try and work to make the relationship better.

He often left me confused because he wanted me to open up but when I did there were always accusations. Bringing the past to the present. I could’ve easily left those important details out but I chose to be honest. It seems like no matter how much I invite him over or call him more often or show him I’m thinking of him, nothing can prove to him I’m not fucking anyone else. It feels like all the trust issues and shortcomings I had in the beginning were disappearing and his green eyed monsters were beginning to emerge. Our roles are reversing.

I question whether to leave or stay because he was there for me when I was lacking and I don’t believe you can ever have something real if you don’t fight for what you want. I’m usually not one to stay in these types of situations, I have no problem with walking away. But somewhere between all the pushing and pulling in these last 3 months, I fell in love with him. Of course I wont tell him that because I need him to prove it first. But I mean how could I not love him. He makes me feel everything all at once happiness, sorrow, love, anger, lust, compassion, peace, confusion, strength, sarcasm, love…everything. We’re not together now, I decided if he really wants me then he’ll come get me. It’s been two days since the last argument, if he doesn’t come I decided that I’ll be okay and maybe god just put us together so he could break me open. Because feeling everything is better than feeling nothing at all and so I am grateful for that.